Whenever I accomplish something I usually just head to the next thing on my to-do list. I don’t really give myself a second to enjoy what I’ve done. I usually just worry about the fact that I haven’t done the next thing. It’s a vicious cycle that never really lets me breathe.
Even as I’m writing this post I’m scrolling through odd jobs on Craigslist. My focus is shot, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get everything done and get everything done right.
I just earned my first $100 dollars freelancing, and that’s a beautiful thing. I told myself that I was going to start freelancing, and I did! And, even more than that, I actually made a good bit of money! That’s really a cause for celebration. But, I haven’t given myself a moment to buy myself a balloon. Figuratively, and literally.
I’m more concerned about this job opportunity that may not work out like I thought, but that’s another post in itself.
My mind is always in multiple places at once. I try to streamline my thoughts, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I do it well. But I’m trying to teach myself to go full throttle on the things that I love and not feel bad about myself because I’m not doing something else.
I would say this is one of my New Year’s Resolutions, but I’m trying to get started on these bad boys early. What’s the point in waiting for the new year? Am I trying to feel even more anxious about 2018?
Another one of my cherished “December’s Resolution” is trying to grow into my womanness.
I don’t feel 22. It throws my head for a loop to think about how old I really am. I feel like I should have more knowledge about life than I do, but I feel like that’s a typical millennial thought. I don’t know what adult things that I should know, but I have this fear of the unknown that I’m going to run into something that I can’t figure out. (I’m so stressed about figuring out my student loans and my healthcare…)
Also, I don’t feel like I look like a woman. At all. At least, what I think that a woman is supposed to be like. That has a lot to do with my confusion.
I look the same way that I did when I was 15, chubby cheeks and all. I see women on social media sites (like Instagram a.k.a the land of the beautiful people) and they all look like how women are supposed to look like in my head. I still look like a girl. And, in a lot of ways, that leads to me being treated like a girl by the people around me.
I really don’t like this at all. I just want to feel like I’ve grown in some way. I mean, I know I have but I just don’t feel like it. (I also realize that this problem is all in my head, but that doesn’t mean that I should ignore it.)
Maybe I’m just used to this face. Maybe I just need a change. I don’t know honestly. I really don’t know. But, in the process of now into the new year, I’ll probably be trying out some different looks. Maybe a new wig will heighten my spirits.
I really don’t know what I’m doing with this whole adult thing. But, in reality, who actually does?
So yeah, I’m going to take a minute and sit in this good feeling for a while. I can worry later. I always do.